Gotcha: Being Caught Out

It's a horrible feeling when you feel like you are going to get 'caught out' - when someone will discover that don't know what you are doing, or that you can't do the job, or that you really don't look like this when you wake up in the morning...

This feeling of "What will happen when they know 'the truth'?" comes to many people and for many different reasons but essentially I can imagine that feeling of anxiety that you are having to 'blag it' or 'fake it' or 'hide it' is similar regardless. I often hear this when friends of mine start new jobs or get into a new relationship. It can be terrifying!

It is a nauseating feeling - usually brought on by a healthy influx of self-doubt or criticism. Of course, quite often, things are not that bad and 'the truth' is either not true or is much less true than we fear it to be. But our crafty minds can make it feel very real and very true nonetheless.

Sometimes, what we need is actually help from others but this means admitting 'the truth' or more accurately - admitting or talking through these deep vulnerabilities. This might involve: asking a question that we feel will be stupid; asking for feedback which we feel will highlight a weakness; saying we don't know something; saying we can't do something; saying we need support or help. All of which can feel impossible to contemplate. As Brene Brown says - whose TED talk I wrote about in a previous post - shame derives its power from being unspeakable and as we get older, we learn how to 'shame' ourselves on our own (we don't need parents or teachers to 'shame' us - we do it to ourselves!). So we soldier on.

The alternative is to let ourselves be vulnerable and for this not to be seen as a weakness. Instead, it is us being authentic, real, honest, HUMAN! Yes, this means potentially giving up some of the control of what happens next - we might get hurt, we might not succeed, we might not get the reaction we want, but we usually don't have as much control as we think we do when we are blagging, hiding or faking anyway and it can be exhausting and make us feel worse.

Talking about what makes us feel vulnerable - can help us to sense check our beliefs. Sometimes saying things out loud helps us realise that they aren't completely true and/or it can help us to have some ideas about how to manage these thoughts and feelings. Talking about them with someone can also help us work through them more objectively and clearly. Of course - as a slight aside - it is important to find the right person to share our vulnerabilities with and to do it sincerely (not for attention). Sharing vulnerability helps to build trust with someone else and building trust can help us to share more vulnerabilities.

Brene Brown talks about how being vulnerable is not knowing the answer, not being 100% certain, not being able to control, not being able to protect our emotions, accepting hard truths, trying something even though it may fail, risking hearing something we don't want to hear, being ourselves despite of our fears. She argues that working through vulnerability is what leads to feeling connected with others, being creative, innovative, feeling whole, feeling compassion. It is what we should be teaching our children, it is how we should be leading others and is the key to healthier relationships and meaningful lives.

Recently I had a 'caught out' moment - an actual one. Where someone said the thing I most feared hearing about myself. When the dreaded moment came of being 'caught out', I immediately choked inside and hid in the loo. After a short cry, I put my attention into my body to feel the sensations (a good mindfulness technique for dealing with difficult emotions) and I felt upset in my stomach and in my eyes but I also noticed that the feeling seemed less bad than I had felt before from simply worrying about being 'caught out'. I became aware of my thinking and watched it go round and round a couple of times with statements about how horrible this was for someone to know 'the truth'. But by being aware, I didn't get caught in the spiral for long and I soon found myself just sat there breathing.

The irony was that I think worrying about someone knowing my flaw/my imperfectiom (as I had done regularly in the past) was bizarrely worse than them actually knowing it or saying it. Being more mindful of the experience put it in perspective and there was a weird sense afterwards in which it was a relief that 'the truth' was out and it wasn't as bad or as terrible as I feared. It occurred to me that I was alive. That I had people who loved me anyway - despite them knowing my weak spot. That I had other things going for me and so in the grand scheme of things this wasn't the be all and end all that my mind can build it up to be.

It is hard to feel 'enough' and this sense of being 'caught out' for not being _______ enough (complete with word that applies to you) can feel debilitating sometimes. What I have learnt is that acknowledging the vulnerability to myself, seeing how it affects me physically and mentally and then talking about it with someone I trust - has made me feel stronger and better able to deal with it. We are all imperfect and we could get highly consumed and stunted by all of the things that we should be/have/feel etc. Ultimately, what is common amongst us all is that we are different, unique, imperfect and once we start talking - we realise that others have their own 'vulnerability spots' and that we are not alone.

Here's to the courage to be ourselves, to 'show up' in life and be imperfect!

1 wk til Vipasanna. 1 wk into the sabbatical: The great, the good, the hard and the sucks!

The practice: I'm up to 2 hours practice at 5.30am and what can I say - its a cross between a delight and a mission. So a bit like life really! Delight because its two hours to just be. Not do. Or try to be someone different, better. Just be. And all I need to do to 'be' is breathe, watch my thinking and learn about my relationship with my mind. By doing this, one of the things that is happening is that I'm also building up the ability to bring my attention to where I want it to be. During the practice this is on the breath but in life - wow, this is a powerful tool. To be able to pay attention - in the moment - and get the most out of it - it is like time is eternal. It doesn't rush past, I'm not feeling like I'm missing out. I'm there with it - the good, the bad and the ugly. Not always, of course, but the more time I spend meditating, the longer my life feels! That doesnt mean I recommend 2 hours a day - just 10-15 mins can make a difference and 40 mins was really good too.

So - back to the mission part of Vipasanna prep. It hurts. After 1.5 hours, the ankles and knees start to hurt. And this is where  it gets interesting. In life, we want to avoid pain - or any uncomfortable feeling actually. We try to change the situation. Or we avoid it with a drink, a fag, a chocolate bar, a distraction. The challenge is that when we avoid the feeling, we stay on the run. The alternative is to let ourselves experience the emotion. Pain is often temporary, it changes in nature and we have a choice - believe it or not - of how we want to relate to it. I wrote about pain the last blog post so for more on this - go back one blog!

The pros of solo travelling: I've spent six days alone (bar a few day trips) and I'm really enjoying it. In some ways this worries me! Will I get too used to this? But mostly I just think that the gift of time to unwind, and then unwind some more and then realise you can unravel because you don't have to go back (for a while) and I feel free to create, think, question, explore in a way that I rarely get time to. Its space.

I've also met cool people and as is common when travelling, I've spent time with people that I wouldn't normally. They have been great and interesting and add a lot of colour to the trip.

I also realise human tendencies such as being judgemental and making comparisons. I notice when I do this now and there is a lot said about this in the books and videos I have been watching. It seems it is one of the curses on our happiness. I've had a lot of space in this trip to explore why we 'compare' and here's what I've come to understand: 

There are a million ways that we can  compare ourselves to others and millions of people to compare ourselves to. Every minor victory 'I'm better at this or that' - I'm so glad I'm not like them etc - is a bit like gambling. You do feel like you 'win' some but it's set up for you to lose in the end. The very act of gambling, or judging, means that you will always feel inferior because there will always be someone that does something better, has more etc. It's the act of feeling like you need to compare or judge to justify your self worth that keeps you from feeling worthy. So the solution? Find happiness in what other people have and in what you have in turn. Acknowledge judgements when they come - as they surely will - but just register them as thoughts that don't define who you are. Number the judgements if that helps. It reminds you of how fleeting thoughts actually are if you just let them come and go and not set up home. In time, they will quieten, reduce or even stop. And ultimately - work on accepting yourself for who you are. The good, the bad  - oh and the sucks. 

So the sucks is that my ears got infections so no hearing aids for one week. Which means travelling around Thailand with partial hearing. Bit like having ear plugs in all the time. Ho hum.

Deep breaths and letting it be...I'm sure compared to 10 days of silence, this will seem easy!

Ps if you are interested in some of the material I'm reading/watching while on sabbatical and want to learn more about mindfulness, happiness, Buddhism, insight meditation or yoga then keep an eye on the resources page where it says 'new'. There will be three books, a few great videos etc that I will upload when next in an Internet cafe.