Gotcha: Being Caught Out

It's a horrible feeling when you feel like you are going to get 'caught out' - when someone will discover that don't know what you are doing, or that you can't do the job, or that you really don't look like this when you wake up in the morning...

This feeling of "What will happen when they know 'the truth'?" comes to many people and for many different reasons but essentially I can imagine that feeling of anxiety that you are having to 'blag it' or 'fake it' or 'hide it' is similar regardless. I often hear this when friends of mine start new jobs or get into a new relationship. It can be terrifying!

It is a nauseating feeling - usually brought on by a healthy influx of self-doubt or criticism. Of course, quite often, things are not that bad and 'the truth' is either not true or is much less true than we fear it to be. But our crafty minds can make it feel very real and very true nonetheless.

Sometimes, what we need is actually help from others but this means admitting 'the truth' or more accurately - admitting or talking through these deep vulnerabilities. This might involve: asking a question that we feel will be stupid; asking for feedback which we feel will highlight a weakness; saying we don't know something; saying we can't do something; saying we need support or help. All of which can feel impossible to contemplate. As Brene Brown says - whose TED talk I wrote about in a previous post - shame derives its power from being unspeakable and as we get older, we learn how to 'shame' ourselves on our own (we don't need parents or teachers to 'shame' us - we do it to ourselves!). So we soldier on.

The alternative is to let ourselves be vulnerable and for this not to be seen as a weakness. Instead, it is us being authentic, real, honest, HUMAN! Yes, this means potentially giving up some of the control of what happens next - we might get hurt, we might not succeed, we might not get the reaction we want, but we usually don't have as much control as we think we do when we are blagging, hiding or faking anyway and it can be exhausting and make us feel worse.

Talking about what makes us feel vulnerable - can help us to sense check our beliefs. Sometimes saying things out loud helps us realise that they aren't completely true and/or it can help us to have some ideas about how to manage these thoughts and feelings. Talking about them with someone can also help us work through them more objectively and clearly. Of course - as a slight aside - it is important to find the right person to share our vulnerabilities with and to do it sincerely (not for attention). Sharing vulnerability helps to build trust with someone else and building trust can help us to share more vulnerabilities.

Brene Brown talks about how being vulnerable is not knowing the answer, not being 100% certain, not being able to control, not being able to protect our emotions, accepting hard truths, trying something even though it may fail, risking hearing something we don't want to hear, being ourselves despite of our fears. She argues that working through vulnerability is what leads to feeling connected with others, being creative, innovative, feeling whole, feeling compassion. It is what we should be teaching our children, it is how we should be leading others and is the key to healthier relationships and meaningful lives.

Recently I had a 'caught out' moment - an actual one. Where someone said the thing I most feared hearing about myself. When the dreaded moment came of being 'caught out', I immediately choked inside and hid in the loo. After a short cry, I put my attention into my body to feel the sensations (a good mindfulness technique for dealing with difficult emotions) and I felt upset in my stomach and in my eyes but I also noticed that the feeling seemed less bad than I had felt before from simply worrying about being 'caught out'. I became aware of my thinking and watched it go round and round a couple of times with statements about how horrible this was for someone to know 'the truth'. But by being aware, I didn't get caught in the spiral for long and I soon found myself just sat there breathing.

The irony was that I think worrying about someone knowing my flaw/my imperfectiom (as I had done regularly in the past) was bizarrely worse than them actually knowing it or saying it. Being more mindful of the experience put it in perspective and there was a weird sense afterwards in which it was a relief that 'the truth' was out and it wasn't as bad or as terrible as I feared. It occurred to me that I was alive. That I had people who loved me anyway - despite them knowing my weak spot. That I had other things going for me and so in the grand scheme of things this wasn't the be all and end all that my mind can build it up to be.

It is hard to feel 'enough' and this sense of being 'caught out' for not being _______ enough (complete with word that applies to you) can feel debilitating sometimes. What I have learnt is that acknowledging the vulnerability to myself, seeing how it affects me physically and mentally and then talking about it with someone I trust - has made me feel stronger and better able to deal with it. We are all imperfect and we could get highly consumed and stunted by all of the things that we should be/have/feel etc. Ultimately, what is common amongst us all is that we are different, unique, imperfect and once we start talking - we realise that others have their own 'vulnerability spots' and that we are not alone.

Here's to the courage to be ourselves, to 'show up' in life and be imperfect!

One of TED.com's most viewed video: The Power of Vulnerability. It sounds heavy but it is pretty funny and TRUE!

Brene Brown is hilarious. And has a real gift of getting a point across. She is a social researcher and a story teller. She has written a book called 'Daring Greatly' (see other posts) following her TED talk which was watched by 11 million people have watched. TED - stands for Technology, Entertainment and Design and it brings together people from all over the world to share ideas, insights and experiences and then shares the most innovative, engaging, funny, creative, moving talks on their website (for free). And it seems a lot of us are relating greatly to what Brene Brown has discovered through her research about what vulnerability, shame and connection is.

This video has inspired me to be more honest and talk to close friends about what I feel 'shame' about and what makes me vulnerable (which - by the way - has made me feel better and stronger). So I share it with you now.

So let me summarise her talk and some of the points she makes - but please - watch the video (19 mins) because she makes these points in a poignant, hilarious, engaging way that I am absolutely not going to do justice to:

• The difference between those people that have a sense of worthiness, and a strong sense of belonging and those that don't is that the former believe that they are worthy of love and belonging. That feeling of 'belief' is the only thing that separates the two groups.

• The one thing that keeps us from 'connecting' with others is our fear that we are not worthy of connection. That we are not enough.

• We spend a lot of time feeling that we 'are not ________ enough' (fill in the blank). She calls this 'scarcity'. And the way we deal with scarcity - is often to try and numb these feelings or avoid them by eating, medicating, buying things, using our phones...

• The challenge is that we cannot selectively numb. When we numb anxiety, sadness, fear - e also numb happiness, joy and gratitude. 

• In order to connect, we have to be authentic - be ourselves - even if it makes us feel vulnerable. We have to embrace that vulnerability and not push it away. It can lead to creativity, happiness, feeling balanced, feeling connected. 

• We can embrace imperfection. We live in a world now that wants to have perfect children. They are hard wired for challenges because they aren't perfect and instead we need to be helping them deal with things not being perfect. We need to teach them how to deal with challenges, vulnerability, fear, not succeeding. Getting through them is a really valuable skill.

Being mindful - which this blog is all about - is very much about being honest, being 'you', being 'enough', leaning into unpleasant feelings rather than rejecting them. Brene Brown reminds us what vulnerability is, how it shows itself and what it can lead to - and the answer isn't always negative as we imagine - it's tough but it is also the key to connecting to others, to creativity, to authenticity, to courage, to dealing with change and pain.

I have recently spoken several times to close friends about the things that I feel really vulnerable about and about what makes me feel most 'shame'. For years, pretty much forever, I hadn't talked about it and that as Brene Brown says, is how shame derives its power - by being unspeakable. It wasn't as easy as just coming out with it and it has taken one year of engaging in mindfulness (both the practice and the theory) to build up to talking about those things - but once you do - you realise you are not alone, you realise it is liberaing to be honest, and it has left me feeling stronger.

She does a follow up video on 'shame' too. Well worth a watch. For more on her, and vulnerability - see my other blog posts about her book which is also referenced on the 'Resources for You' page.

Lessons from Tolle: Being enough as you are

Do you ever have the feeling of not being enough as you are? Or feeling like there is something missing? Do those thoughts affect what you buy, what you wear, what you choose to do with your time - how many qualifications you get, the job/professional success and recognition you seek, the relationships you get into?

Eckhart Tolle says:

"Another aspect of the emotional pain that is an intrinsic part of the egoic mind is a deep-seated send of lack or incompleteness, of not being whole. In some people this is conscious, in others unconscious. If it is conscious, it manifests as the unsettling and constant feeling of not being worthy or good enough. If it is unconscious, it will only be felt indirectly as an intense craving, wanting and needing. In either case, people will often enter into a compulsive pursuit of ego-gratification and things to identify with in order to fill this hole they feel. So they strive after possessions, money, success, power, recognition, or a special relationship, basically so that they can feel better about themselves, feel more complete. But even when they attain all these things, they soon find that the hole in still there, that it is bottomless. They they are really in trouble, because they cannot delude themselves anymore." The Power of Now', Eckhart Tolle, pg 37

I don't think that this means that it is not good to be successful, learn things or engage in special relationships. Instead it is more about the intention you have behind this. Is it with an aim of trying to feel complete, better about yourself, fill a 'hole' or is it genuine curiosity and desire to learn and experience things?

Through mindfulness, the intention is to just be and for that to be enough and to spot and be aware of when the mind has other plans. I find this very interesting and will blog more about this and related themes in the future....