The practice: I'm up to 2 hours practice at 5.30am and what can I say - its a cross between a delight and a mission. So a bit like life really! Delight because its two hours to just be. Not do. Or try to be someone different, better. Just be. And all I need to do to 'be' is breathe, watch my thinking and learn about my relationship with my mind. By doing this, one of the things that is happening is that I'm also building up the ability to bring my attention to where I want it to be. During the practice this is on the breath but in life - wow, this is a powerful tool. To be able to pay attention - in the moment - and get the most out of it - it is like time is eternal. It doesn't rush past, I'm not feeling like I'm missing out. I'm there with it - the good, the bad and the ugly. Not always, of course, but the more time I spend meditating, the longer my life feels! That doesnt mean I recommend 2 hours a day - just 10-15 mins can make a difference and 40 mins was really good too.
So - back to the mission part of Vipasanna prep. It hurts. After 1.5 hours, the ankles and knees start to hurt. And this is where it gets interesting. In life, we want to avoid pain - or any uncomfortable feeling actually. We try to change the situation. Or we avoid it with a drink, a fag, a chocolate bar, a distraction. The challenge is that when we avoid the feeling, we stay on the run. The alternative is to let ourselves experience the emotion. Pain is often temporary, it changes in nature and we have a choice - believe it or not - of how we want to relate to it. I wrote about pain the last blog post so for more on this - go back one blog!
The pros of solo travelling: I've spent six days alone (bar a few day trips) and I'm really enjoying it. In some ways this worries me! Will I get too used to this? But mostly I just think that the gift of time to unwind, and then unwind some more and then realise you can unravel because you don't have to go back (for a while) and I feel free to create, think, question, explore in a way that I rarely get time to. Its space.
I've also met cool people and as is common when travelling, I've spent time with people that I wouldn't normally. They have been great and interesting and add a lot of colour to the trip.
I also realise human tendencies such as being judgemental and making comparisons. I notice when I do this now and there is a lot said about this in the books and videos I have been watching. It seems it is one of the curses on our happiness. I've had a lot of space in this trip to explore why we 'compare' and here's what I've come to understand:
There are a million ways that we can compare ourselves to others and millions of people to compare ourselves to. Every minor victory 'I'm better at this or that' - I'm so glad I'm not like them etc - is a bit like gambling. You do feel like you 'win' some but it's set up for you to lose in the end. The very act of gambling, or judging, means that you will always feel inferior because there will always be someone that does something better, has more etc. It's the act of feeling like you need to compare or judge to justify your self worth that keeps you from feeling worthy. So the solution? Find happiness in what other people have and in what you have in turn. Acknowledge judgements when they come - as they surely will - but just register them as thoughts that don't define who you are. Number the judgements if that helps. It reminds you of how fleeting thoughts actually are if you just let them come and go and not set up home. In time, they will quieten, reduce or even stop. And ultimately - work on accepting yourself for who you are. The good, the bad - oh and the sucks.
So the sucks is that my ears got infections so no hearing aids for one week. Which means travelling around Thailand with partial hearing. Bit like having ear plugs in all the time. Ho hum.
Deep breaths and letting it be...I'm sure compared to 10 days of silence, this will seem easy!
Ps if you are interested in some of the material I'm reading/watching while on sabbatical and want to learn more about mindfulness, happiness, Buddhism, insight meditation or yoga then keep an eye on the resources page where it says 'new'. There will be three books, a few great videos etc that I will upload when next in an Internet cafe.
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