Gotcha: Being Caught Out

It's a horrible feeling when you feel like you are going to get 'caught out' - when someone will discover that don't know what you are doing, or that you can't do the job, or that you really don't look like this when you wake up in the morning...

This feeling of "What will happen when they know 'the truth'?" comes to many people and for many different reasons but essentially I can imagine that feeling of anxiety that you are having to 'blag it' or 'fake it' or 'hide it' is similar regardless. I often hear this when friends of mine start new jobs or get into a new relationship. It can be terrifying!

It is a nauseating feeling - usually brought on by a healthy influx of self-doubt or criticism. Of course, quite often, things are not that bad and 'the truth' is either not true or is much less true than we fear it to be. But our crafty minds can make it feel very real and very true nonetheless.

Sometimes, what we need is actually help from others but this means admitting 'the truth' or more accurately - admitting or talking through these deep vulnerabilities. This might involve: asking a question that we feel will be stupid; asking for feedback which we feel will highlight a weakness; saying we don't know something; saying we can't do something; saying we need support or help. All of which can feel impossible to contemplate. As Brene Brown says - whose TED talk I wrote about in a previous post - shame derives its power from being unspeakable and as we get older, we learn how to 'shame' ourselves on our own (we don't need parents or teachers to 'shame' us - we do it to ourselves!). So we soldier on.

The alternative is to let ourselves be vulnerable and for this not to be seen as a weakness. Instead, it is us being authentic, real, honest, HUMAN! Yes, this means potentially giving up some of the control of what happens next - we might get hurt, we might not succeed, we might not get the reaction we want, but we usually don't have as much control as we think we do when we are blagging, hiding or faking anyway and it can be exhausting and make us feel worse.

Talking about what makes us feel vulnerable - can help us to sense check our beliefs. Sometimes saying things out loud helps us realise that they aren't completely true and/or it can help us to have some ideas about how to manage these thoughts and feelings. Talking about them with someone can also help us work through them more objectively and clearly. Of course - as a slight aside - it is important to find the right person to share our vulnerabilities with and to do it sincerely (not for attention). Sharing vulnerability helps to build trust with someone else and building trust can help us to share more vulnerabilities.

Brene Brown talks about how being vulnerable is not knowing the answer, not being 100% certain, not being able to control, not being able to protect our emotions, accepting hard truths, trying something even though it may fail, risking hearing something we don't want to hear, being ourselves despite of our fears. She argues that working through vulnerability is what leads to feeling connected with others, being creative, innovative, feeling whole, feeling compassion. It is what we should be teaching our children, it is how we should be leading others and is the key to healthier relationships and meaningful lives.

Recently I had a 'caught out' moment - an actual one. Where someone said the thing I most feared hearing about myself. When the dreaded moment came of being 'caught out', I immediately choked inside and hid in the loo. After a short cry, I put my attention into my body to feel the sensations (a good mindfulness technique for dealing with difficult emotions) and I felt upset in my stomach and in my eyes but I also noticed that the feeling seemed less bad than I had felt before from simply worrying about being 'caught out'. I became aware of my thinking and watched it go round and round a couple of times with statements about how horrible this was for someone to know 'the truth'. But by being aware, I didn't get caught in the spiral for long and I soon found myself just sat there breathing.

The irony was that I think worrying about someone knowing my flaw/my imperfectiom (as I had done regularly in the past) was bizarrely worse than them actually knowing it or saying it. Being more mindful of the experience put it in perspective and there was a weird sense afterwards in which it was a relief that 'the truth' was out and it wasn't as bad or as terrible as I feared. It occurred to me that I was alive. That I had people who loved me anyway - despite them knowing my weak spot. That I had other things going for me and so in the grand scheme of things this wasn't the be all and end all that my mind can build it up to be.

It is hard to feel 'enough' and this sense of being 'caught out' for not being _______ enough (complete with word that applies to you) can feel debilitating sometimes. What I have learnt is that acknowledging the vulnerability to myself, seeing how it affects me physically and mentally and then talking about it with someone I trust - has made me feel stronger and better able to deal with it. We are all imperfect and we could get highly consumed and stunted by all of the things that we should be/have/feel etc. Ultimately, what is common amongst us all is that we are different, unique, imperfect and once we start talking - we realise that others have their own 'vulnerability spots' and that we are not alone.

Here's to the courage to be ourselves, to 'show up' in life and be imperfect!